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I am grateful, now fuck off.

It was some time between midnight and 3am. I was dead asleep. I’d fed the littliest at midnight so it was after that, and it was before he woke up for a feed at 3am. This hardly matters, because that time of night is Hell unless you’re pashing, happy drunk, smoking in a bar, dancing, or on drugs – y’know, generally having a fulfilling life that doesn’t involve milk dripping out of your breasts or playing the fart or shit game.

So, I’m asleep and I feel this tiny hand on my face and then there’s a kiss on my forehead. And for a second I’m confused like – did the tiny one do that? He’s only four-weeks-old? Is he a mutant? That would be amazing.

And then I realise it’s my big baby and I pull him into my arms while still asleep and think “oh he’s delicious”. But then he elbows me in the tit and says “JAY JUNGLE MAMA” and I’m like “ughhh fuck you’re not delicious at all. What is that smell?” And I tell him to be quiet and I cuddle him and he says “NO JAY JUNGLE” and he climbs onto my chest and it hurts so bad because my boobs are about to explode. And then I cuddle/smother him and spend the next 40 minutes or so (who knows how long it was – it felt like days) getting him to sleep. And then I got him to sleep and I got up and I went to the bathroom and I came back to this:

Bed

And I was like “FUCK THIS SHIT IT’S MY BED. WHY ARE YOU EVEN UPSIDE DOWN? WHY CAN’T I HAVE ONE SPACE THAT IS MY OWN? WHY ARE YOU ALMOST THREE AND YOU SLEEP WORSE THAN A NEWBORN? WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY ROOM FOR ME??”.

And even though this was an internal scream the little one woke up angrily demanding a feed. While feeding on the floor I took a photo and I put it on Facebook and Twitter. And on Twitter I said ‘sigh’ because the parents on Twitter get it. And on Facebook I did a slightly longer comment because I was trying to be a bit light hearted because…well, we will get there…

So, I said “How come it’s my bed and there’s never room for me in it?” Which you’ll note is not “FUCK THIS SHIT…” It was meant to be funny, a way for me to be like “see?” without being like “OMG KILL ME SEE?” And then I got this message, which I fucking always do, from a friend’s mum. It said: “Be grateful for your boys. They will be adults before you know it and they won’t want to sleep with you. You should enjoy this time”. And I was like OK, I hope I’m never so unstable that when my sons are in their 20s I want them sleeping with me. But aside from that – CAN YOU NOT?

I know the first thing I’m going to be told is “people are just trying to be nice! They’re trying to comfort you”. Yeah, yeah, it’s hard to be charitable when you’ve had two hours sleep. Here’s the deal – trying to be helpful or not – it isn’t. It isn’t helpful. It’s condescending, patronising, and it’s actually (without being melodramatic but maybe a bit melodramatic) it’s dangerous.

Constantly telling parents – Be grateful! Be grateful! One day they won’t be shitting on you! And you’ll be like “omg, I long for the days when I was covered in sour milk and diarrhoea!” So – be grateful! You might be so exhausted that you’re crying on the toilet but these are the best days of your life SO BE GRATEFUL – leads to those parents shutting down and never sharing how they truly feel. It leads to parents not having support networks. It leads to parents walking into parenthood without any idea of how hard some moments, some days, can be. It leads to such unfair expectations on parents – enjoy every minute or you’re a fucking monster. It leads to feeling like you’re doing it all wrong.

I am so grateful for my kids. I can’t even put into words how grateful I am. So I don’t need you to tell me to be grateful. I am. Guess what – I can be so grateful and so tired. I can be so grateful and so fucking over it. I can be so grateful and also imagine not having kids and just pashing and dancing and drinking bourbons till I puke.

These comments always come from people with grown kids. And I get it. Maybe? I mean when the boys are in their 20s I might be wishing they still lived with me and needed me 24-7. I mean, I kind of hope in my late 50s I’m acting like I was in my early 20s – boning their dad, drinking bourbons, going to gigs, spending all my money on band tee shirts and fast food. But I digress – I get it kind of. Your kids are grown, you miss them, you see parents at the beginning of their parenting journey and it makes you nostalgic. I get that there’s no malicious intent.

But just again – can you not. Because when I make a heavily sanitised comment about not sleeping and you make a comment about being grateful, it implies I’m not grateful. And in my sleep deprived state it makes me feel like an asshole.

And this might seem like an overreaction to a comment, but I (and other parents) get it All. The. Time. The other week I said: “Just as one little bogan falls asleep, another little bogan wakes up. They’re like a tag team” and I got one comment and three messages with the “one day you’ll miss it/be grateful” message. I get it about once a week. And the more I get it the more I feel like I can’t talk about the hard parts of parenting, or the things I’m struggling with. Because I don’t want to appear ungrateful for my awesome kids, even the one that hates sleeping. And you see how that’s a problem right? So, here are some things you can say instead of be grateful:

  • I don’t remember how hard it was never sleeping because I’m retired and I sleep until 10 now and I spend all day playing Candy Crush. SO I’m just going to shut the fuck up. (Might be too specific).
  • That sounds tough, want me to drop you over something with chocolate in it?
  • You don’t look tired at all. You look like a glam actress who only eats paleo stuff and drinks grass smoothies.
  • I heard kids who don’t sleep are smarter than kids who do.
  • Parenting is really hard sometimes. It’s ok to find it hard sometimes.

xB

Update: wow! I’m really overwhelmed by the response to this post. Thank you so much for all of your comments. I wish I could reply to every one – but I’m typing one handed because cluster bloody fucking feeding. But thank you – I feel less alone and I hope you do too. Also, I love the idea of #iamgrateful!

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1,161 Comments

  1. Emer

     /  May 4, 2015

    It leads to loneliness, I’m a mumma who does it on my own and I read this post and laugh, cry, scream and agree! Keep telling me what I’m missing, doing wrong – that will make me feel better….
    Keep saying to cherish these exhausting times – like I can! Like you ever could you bitter old woman. Like I give 2 shits about later… I just want my fucking bed to myself and to not be made to feel like that’s a bad thing??! They all have beds I bought them , clean sheets whilst mine are 2 weeks old… It really isn’t too much to ask for my children who I love to get the fuc out of my bed and into their own bed!
    I will get old they won’t stay young – but sleep well sleep is the only thing that matters at 3am!!!
    My youngest is 4 and I am still copping wake ups from my 9 yr old! Arrgghhhh! I love the kid but really??? Go to sleep – let mummy sleep and we will all be able to cope better in the morning 🙂

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  2. welshlass86

     /  May 3, 2015

    I found out I was pregnant rather unexpectedly we weren’t planning on having kids, don’t get me wrong but how we both wished people would stop telling us it was a lovely surprise because it wasn’t! People’s niceties nearly drove us both insane don’t get me wrong I love my daughter to bits, my partner’s still working on it. Unfortunately there isn’t a hand book on parenting

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  3. best. thank you. I’ve started deleting those ‘friends’ from my FB list, who post the forever-grateful-boring-as-shite-comments in your space!!! Kinda makes me think – “why are we friends again? god, you’re boring”. If i need to express myself after 4 years of no sleep – a kid who sleeps on your head, gets his legs round your neck in a choke hold, titty, head, gut kicks and plays with your hair all night – i just want to say fuck a lot and joke about the fucking ridiculousness of it all! I hear teenagers sleep a lot and talk less – sounds like fucking heaven to me – can’t wait.

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  4. Narrelle

     /  April 21, 2015

    Omg that is so good. I applause u on this. U should start a blog seriously. If u did/do u would love u to send me the link because I would read it every single day. It is nice that people ( mothers) out there do talk about it and do really whst it can be like as a parent. Sometimes it is tough. I can totally relate to the whole wish I had my own bed thing! It is getting slightly better for me but just one night would be great to take up the whole bed myself! Lol keep up the great comments I think they are awesome. It lightens the shitty times up when all u wanna do is cry! Well done!

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  5. Leslie

     /  April 20, 2015

    OMG SO true!of course I am grateful that I have 2 beautiful boys, I never said I wasn’t but YES sometimes (just sometimes) I want to be able to yell why do you hate me boys and not want me to sleep ever! And sometimes I want to vent to another mom about how my kids are annoying me ( yes, I love them, but Ya sometimes you know, they get on my nerves) and I want that mom to just listen or smile or agree not make me feel like an awful person. Best article ever 🙂

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  6. pat campbell

     /  April 16, 2015

    i loved this! You are SOO right! I’m 50 and the mom of four great grown up sons! I loved the feckers but omg it was hard work and everyone said the same bloody things to me…. But as I closed the door on son number 3 today.. With son number 4 ( aged 15) playing on his brain damaging xbox! I punched the sky and yelled “Thank fuck for that 3 down 1 to go!!” Don’t get me wrong we love them with every inch of our being but at long last it’s NEARLY our turn again……can’t wait for our new adventures…. Hang in there darling, believe it or not your turn will come too! Good luck! 😉

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